tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 12, 2018 11:35pm-12:33am EST
device. this is revolutionary, using the latest in forarm technology, it enables you to stop the tweets in real time. the best part, it has alexa built in, so you can listen to your favorite tunes as you activate the blunt-forced interface. this product has created such buzz, they hear google has already started work on something called the pixel mallet, and apple will be introducing its i-whack next fall. alec aplay "sunshine, lollipops and rainbows." ♪ sunshine, lollipops and rainbows ♪ >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, trump if the two-hour work day. plus, stephen welcomes laurie metcalf author michael wolff. and carly fleischmann
that's not even full-time. personally, i think the president should work at least as many hours as a 15-year-old saving up for an xbox. so, what does trump do after he's rolled into work at the crack of noon? well, according to white house staff, his schedule largely consists of tv and twitter time alone in the residence, known internally as "executive time." come on. we're all adults. just say "pooping." ( laughter ) here's an actual example-- this is an actual example from the president's scheduled. on tuesday, trump had his first meeting of the day with john kelly at 11:00 a.m. he then had "executive time" for an hour, followed by an hour lunch in the private dining room. then it was another one hour and 15 minutes of "executive time," followed by a 45-minute meeting. then another 15 minutes of "executive time" before trump took his last meeting of the day at 3:45, before ending his official day at 4:15 p.m.
so, if you're keeping track, that is one hour and 45 minutes of actual work. he spent less time being the american president than it would take to watch "the american president." ( laughter ) ( applause ) but maybe it's good. ( cheers and applause ) but maybe it's good that trump is taking time away from the office, because secretary of state rex tillerson and defense secretary jim "mad dog" mattis are reportedly trying to hold trump back from striking north korea. you know things are bad when guys named "rex" and "mad dog" are the voices of reason. "sir, are you sure you want to go through with this? you're getting some resistance from secretary spike and admiral psycho." ( laughter ) now, trump is not thinking about a full-on nuclear strike. instead, it's just a targeted strike against a north korean facility to bloody pyongyang's nose.
sound reasoning. like if you walk up to a crazy person on the street and punch them in the nose, it ends right there. "we're good, right? i punched you and it's over." this is a crazy plan because it all comes to down to a gamble on whether north korea is ready to enter all-out war over a limited strike. that's right, donald trump is betting all of our lives on the rational decision-making skills of the man who settled on this haircut. ( laughter ) of course, trump has gotten some good polling news lately, which he tweeted out: "in new quinnipiac poll, 66% of people feel the economy is 'excellent or good.' that is the highest number ever recorded by this poll." "in fact, i'm pretty sure that's the highest number period. a lot of people are saying that there aren't any higher numbers than that. and by "a lot," i ,
( laughter ) but trump didn't read 100% of the poll, because it also says "49% of voters say former president barack obama is more responsible for the state of the economy, while only 40% say trump is more responsible." sir, that's why you should always read past the first sentence of anything to get the full story. "let's see here, 'moby dick. call me ishmael.' that's a funny name for a whale. the end. happy story. pretty funny. they should call that-- i tell you, tech call they should call that 'ishmael dick'."
if you give him a failing grade, he'll have to repeat the presidency! ( laughter ) ( applause ) clean that up. the poll also let people freestyle a little bit with some open-ended questions, and in these, the two words most commonly offered to describe trump's first year were "disaster" and "chaotic." well, those are the two most common words that i am allowed to say cbs. in these answers, of the 43 words used at least five times, 25 words are negative, ten are positive and eight words are neutral, such as "interesting" or "different." ( laughter ) "interesting" and "different" are not neutral. because that's how you describe your cousin's one-man show you got dragged to. "well, brian, that sure was... interesting. really different. where did you get that much pudding? we'll step outside while you put your pants back
one thing that might be dragging down trump's poll numbers is michael wolff's explosive trump tell-all, "fire and fury." ( cheers and applause ) been here get it? some people got it here. this thing's flying off the shelves, and there's not even any sex scenes! thank god. ( laughter ) people are so eager to get their hands on this book that "some people are buying the wrong 'fire and fury,' instead picking up 'fire and fury: the allied bombing of germany, 1942-1945.'" well, it's an easy mistake to make. one book is about taking down a fascist regime, and the other is about world war ii. ( cheers and applause ) world war ii. it's about ii. the author of the world war ii book is a canadian historian, who was delighted when he went online and his book had landed on three different bestseller lists on amazon virtually overnight. good for you, eh? customers who mistakenly bought
one amazon reviewer said, "i don't see anything about president trump! i don't know why the democrats are so happy with this book and make-in-ig a big deal of this!" ( laughter ) i look forward to that user's review of "eat, pray, love," "this book tasted terrible and it was also very bad at make-in-ig love." ( applause ) how come so many people are making this mistake over "fire and fury?" it's ridiculous. anyway, i just want to let you all know that i have a new book on amazon called "friar and furries." it's about a monk who develops an erotic attraction to mascot costumes. we've got a great show for you tonight. laurie metcalf is here from "lady bird."
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revealed why he thinks the president has seemed a bit off his game. >> i was told this by high-level sources. i've talked to people, multiple ones, and they believe that they are putting a slow sedative that they're building up that's also addictive in his diet cokes and in his iced tea, and that the president, by 6:00 or 7:00 at night, is basically slurring his words. they isolate him, then you start slowly building up the dose, but instead of titrating it like poison, like venom of a cobra, or a rattlesnake, or a water moccasin where you build it up slowly so that you get a immunity to it, you're building it slowly so the person doesn't notice it. the president's about two months into being covertly drugged. ( laughter )
>> remember george w. bush, was a governor, was well-spoken. between him on the campaign trail and getting into office, he became a bumbling moron. you could look at him, and you could tell he was drugged up. and you look at him today, they admit he's on a bunch of psychotropics. he sits there naked in his bathtub doing those paintings. they drug presidents! >> stephen: could he be right? can we see george w. bush's latest dog painting? yeah, he's on drugs. but despite all the poison the president is drinking, jones believes that sometimes trump can still think clearly. like last week, when trump tweeted that his nuclear button was bigger than kim jong-un's. a lot of people thought that was crazy, but not alex jones. >> they're the ones saying, "hey we got a bigger nuclear button than you. we got a bigger arsenal, more powerful," and it works. nothing to do with the media trying to say the president has small genitals. and, by the way, he doesn't even have small hands, and by the way, that's a cliche and a wives' tale, and not even true, as well.
medical doctors will tell you it's the feet size. >> stephen: and how does alex jones know donald trump's genital size? ( laughter ) well, he gets a pretty good look when he's kissing his ass. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. but, you're asking, "stephen, is there more to this story?" yes. and it was all covered by my colleague, conspiracy radio broadcaster tuck buckford, the host of brain fight. ♪ ♪
also gives it a nice crisp taste. your dog will thank you. now if you're just joining us, brainfighters, today we're diving into the media conspiracy to convince you that the president has small genitals, okay. not true, it's just jealousy, because members of the fake news media have had their own genitals replaced by u.s.b. ports in order to conceal hillary clinton's emails inside their pelvic floors, okay. that's what kegels are for-- opening a file. i'll do one right now. hold on. no, that was just spam. well, joke's on them, ha-ha, because apple has a whole new kind of plug, and soon their groins will all be obsolete! plus, it is well known that penis size has no correlation to your nuclear button, or your hands, or your penis, okay. the only correlation is to your instep. i've consulted with my neuropathist at foot locker, and
the correct fit, okay. always flats-- can't work a full day with my penis in heels. by the way, i happen to have one of the president's shoes right here, okay. look at that. this is the president trump. oh, you can smell that maga, right in there, the musky maga. and looky-look what's inside. a poisoned yoohoo! okay. "yoohoo," the arabic word for "not as chocolatey as you were hoping." ( laughter ) now, you brainfighters down in the mind trench know i have been immune to all poisons since my sweat lodge vision quest, during the weekend i spent locked in my mom's honda accord. the japanese put the child locks in the backseat on orders from crown prince pikachu. which is why i am personally volunteering to be president trump's food and beverage tester.
sir, reporting for duty, starting with your reddi-wip. mr. president, look at this. yeah, i can tell immediately with one sniff that this is micro-dosed with the venom of the deadly emperor penguin, okay, on orders from u.n. secretary general morgan freeman! do not use it! the only safe way to consume it is like this. yeah, this one is safe. but just to be sure, don't put the liquid in your mouth, okay. you want to apply that-- you want to apply that topically. right, just topically. don't forget the yum-gills. down here, all right, it's all a part of the flavor thorax. mmm, delicioso. a little sweet, though. feels a little sweet. now, should the venom cross the neck-brain barrier, don't forget the antidote, okay.
you got to fight fire with fire. you fight poison with poison. that's why i always follow it up with drinking a bag of tide pods, all right. i take a little capri sun on there, ugh-ugh-- reddi-wip's made this so slippery. anyway, the point is just work your way through these. they got a real kick to it. plus, it will make your lower intestine-- i mean, your duodenum will be brighter and softer than ever! brainfight is brought to you by stamps.con. all right, the service that sent a convicted felon to intercept your mail so the jackbooted government mail carriers can't push their propaganda through your letter-hole. stick around, we'll be right back with funnyman steven segal! >> stephen: we'll be right back with laurie metcalf, everybody. thank you,
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, back back to the show. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, happy friday. my first guest has three emmys, a tony, and a lot of oscar buzz for her brilliant performance in "lady bird." please welcome back to the show laurie metcalf! ♪ ♪ ( applause )
for "doll's house part 2" and you won, congratulations. that's great. lovely. >> thank you. >> stephen: and now, now, it's been another great year for you. now, you play lady bird's mom, saoirse ronan's mom, in the wonderful movie "lady bird." it's such a brilliant performance. >> thank you, thanks. well, it was all on the page. greta gerwig did the heavy lifting on this one, you know. she not only wroted, but she directed it and she did a wonderful job. >> stephen: i said this to saoirse when she was on. it's about a teenaged girl, she's finding her own voice, her own friends. you keep expecting something to happen. >> yeah. >> stephen: like in most movies, something happens to the teenaged girl, something like that. >> right. >> stephen: i said to saoirse is what is wonderful about this movie is it's always happening. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's the relationship between people. >> it's so delicate, just moments, scene by scene, you have moment after moment. you recognize both sides of each character. every character is totally
story, you know, the drama teacher and the math teacher and lois smith's character, of course,. >> stephen: oh, sister sarah jones, just amazing. >> beautiful. >> stephen: i had-- i didn't get to see you last night, but the national review last night i had the honor of presenting greta with the director award for "lady bird," and what i wanted to point out is there is just a lovely line in the scene between saoirse ronan and sister sarah jones where she says to her, "your writing, such love for sacramento." and she said, "i just pay attention." and she said, "don't you think that's the same thing?" >> that's what i mean, it's so delicate. you can't lay into those lines as actors but greta set the tone perfectly, i think. >> stephen: and you were, well deservedly, nominated for a golden globe. it won the golden globe, the movie won the golden globe. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: sunday night. did you know-- at what point-- you've done a lot of
at what point do you know oh, this is going to be good? >> well, i guess it was when we were invited to the telluride festival, and it was the first time that i had seen the movie. it was the premiere. and i sat in the middle of the audience and heard the response around me, and then left with-- hearing everybody saying, "i've got to call my mom." and so i thought, you know, something's connecting, you know. >> stephen: yeah. yeah. yeah. ( laughter ) i have to take a breath after that. now, you, obviously, play the mom, and you capture the mother-daughter relationship really perfectly. there's a clip here that i want to show. i think this is when the two of you are shopping --
with her boyfriend. her new boyfriend. >> i just think it's such a shame that you're spending your last thanksgiving with a family you never met instead of us, but i guess you want it that way. are you tired? >> no. >> hey, marion. >> hey, how's the baby! >> she's growing. >> i want to see a picture at checkout. >> okay. >> okay. so if you're tired we can sit down. >> i'm not tired. >> oh, okay, i just couldn't tell because you were dragging your feet. well, i just couldn't tell. >> why didn't you just say, "pick up your feet." >> i didn't-- you're being passive aggressive. >> no. >> you're so infuriating. >> stop yelling. >> i'm not yelling. >> oh, perfect! >> do you love it? ( laughter ) ( applause )
>> yes, yeah, yeah! >> stephen: well, you have two daughters of your own. >> yeah. >> stephen: have they seen it and gone, "oh, yeah, that's true, mom"? >> well, it's funny, one is 12. >> stephen: okay. >> so she's looking at all different other aspect s. >> stephen: she's about to enter into a period of loving conflict. >> yes, those teenaged years. >> stephen: yes >> and my oldest dawrkt zoey, she's in her 30s now. we butted heads, you know, for an amount of time during those teenaged years. but it's a little bit inevitable, isn't it? >> stephen: sure. >> because i remember wanting-- i want to-- i'm graduating high school. i don't know where i want to go, but i want it to be somewhere different and i want to reinvent myself and start my life, not knowing that your life has started, you know, but you think that everything's going to be fresh. >> stephen: right. now,
give the younger daughter any advice, like, "this is what mom's going to be like?" >> i haven't heard any. but there might have been some going on in the background -- >> stephen: you're not supposed to hear this. >> no. >> stephen: you're not supposed to hear this at all. were you a rebellious child? >> no, i wasn't at all. >> stephen: where did you grow up? >> edwinsville, illinois. i was pretty much by the rules and pretty shy and sort of a homebody and then i fell in with some theater people and they -- >> stephen: it's a rough bunch. that's a bad-- that's a bad-- >> they were a bad influence on me. >> stephen: you've got another really exciting project that has started. have you seen this promo picture? >> i hadn't seen, that no. >> stephen: well, obviously, you play jackie harris on "rowes "roserks anne" and won three emmys. and now "roseanne" is coming ba m
and here are you rushing. there you are as the nasty woman. ( cheers and applause ) >> that's a statement. >> stephen: right there. what has changed? what's happened to jackie since? >> oh, to jackie? >> stephen: yeah, what's happened to jackie. >> well i don't want to give too much away but jackie says she has a job and claims she doesn't-- she's the best in landford at it, because i don't want to say what it is, but it's funny. but we never see her at her job, so i'm not quite sure she's telling the truth. >> stephen: now, you walked on to the set after how many-- how many years were you guys off? >> 20. >> stephen: 20 years, so, what's it like-- it's the same house, maybe not the same set, but the same built set. >> they had to recreate it. >> stephen: same lot, same studio? >> same lot, yes. >> stephen: what is it like after 20 years to walk into-- >> it was a weird, muddy soup of emotions, some disturbing because, you know-- you could really tell that time had passed with the kids who grew up on the
>> and now there are new characters on the show because those kids had kids. >> stephen: right. >> and they're old enough to be played by actors. but it-- so it was very surreal, and it was a time warp. so we all were-- looked at the set and were freaked out. but then we got to sit around the table and do the table read, and that's when it kind of clibd. and it was like no time had passed at all. that was also disturbing. >> stephen: i'm sure. >> it was like we had tan a hiatus week, although 20 years had pass gld well, i want to ask you one other thing before you go, talking about, like, moms and daughters, you did something-- you had a pretty good mom. you did something nice for your daughter. tell the people what you did. i'd like to hear the story. >> well, my youngest, my 12-year-old, is obsessed with "supergirl" and melissa benoist, understandably so, because it's wonderful. so i weaseled my way on to the show, and i asked -- >> stephen: you're playing a part on the show? >> i'm playing a part on the
vancouver and she can meet her hero. >> stephen: oh, that's really nice. so mom will be cool. mom is cool now. >> well, that part-- yes, yeah. i mean, she's going to remember it forever so i hope she chalks it up to me some day. >> stephen: yeah, keep that on a piece of paper to hand back to her upon. >> yeah. >> stephen: well, thank you so much for being here and thank you for the beautiful performance in "lady bird." it was lovely to talk to you about it. "lady bird" is in theaters now. laurie metcalf, everybody! we'll be right back. ( ♪ ) with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike.
>> i kept saying before this came out to the-- to my publisher, i said, "you know, you're printing a lot of copies. there's nothing really too new in this book." >> stephen: you said that to your publisher. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: and he goes, "you're crazy. sit down." >> yeah. >> stephen: you said-- in the forward of this you say in your author's note you say, "you eventually"-- after going through all your material-- "settled on a version of events you believed to be true." what does that mean? >> it means it's the trump white house. everybody is telling you different stories. let's put it this way-- everybody is lying in their own particular way because that's what you do in the trump white house. so i had to go and take whatever the event was, find as many people as i could, and then use my judgment. >> stephen: t
white house, the actual existence of it is such a crazy thing that is so unbelievable-- you know, two years ago, if you had said, "look, i'm looking at the facts here, and i'm going to say donald trump is going to be president," we'd say, "you're absolutely crazy. that's not going to happen. of the. >> right a completely aberrant enterprise. so you go in there and you hear these events and you think this is completely aberrant. and this is the nature of this book. how do you put that into a narrative, into a story? how do you do it in such a way that it makes sense, that people can read this and say, "okay, i have a pretty good-- i'm pretty confident that i now have some understanding of what's going on here." >> stephen: so how should i read it, though? because i'm deeply conflicted when i read this because-- it's not that i'm not enjoying it. i am enjoying it. but it's not that it doesn't upset me. it does upset me, so on a certain level i'm not
it it. as a exceedian, i would love it to be true because i'm can make jokes about it, but as a citizen, i don't want it to be true. you don't have sources for everything you have in here so how much should i believe? >> but this is-- you should believe all of it. that's the alarming thing, that this is all true. >> stephen: but i do have to exercise some judgment. you say you've got recordings of a lot of these interviews here. why not release the cordings so you can slap down the character attacks against you by the white house? >> because i'm not in the recording-- i'm in the the writing business. you've got to-- you know, if you want to turn to a recording, there are-- there are televisioning-- these people are nothing but recorded. they're on television all of the time. i'm offering something different. i'm offering-- and this was totally mystifying to people in the white house-- i'm offering a book. ( laughter ) you sit down, you read it page after
does the story-- does this-- does this comport with what you already know? does it make sense? does it have an internal integrity in which you come away saying, "i think i understand this now"? that's my job as the writer. >> stephen: anything that gave you hope, like, "oh, they do this well"? ( laughter ) people have to go to sleep after this.
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star." by the way, if you missed your chance to help out, you can still do so by going to omzae.com/colbert, where you can bid on a chance to spend a whole taping of "the late show" under my desk. it's better than behind the scenes: it's inside the scenes, next to the pants. so here's the deal: so as part of the "night of too many stars," i was supposed to be interviewed by an amazing young woman named carly fleischmann. carly has autism and doesn't communicate verbally, but she does host a show on youtube and dreams of becoming the "first-ever nonverbal celebrity talk show host." using special technology on an ipad to communicate, she does hilarious celebrity interviews. >> so james, how about it? will you take off your shirt and be my sidekick? i mean, will you sit beside me and be my sidekick without your shirt on? i mean, will you sit beside me topless? i mean will you be my sidekick? >> ( laughs ) >> here is my serious question for you: if you could fart by
any celebrity, what celebrity would it be and why? >> if i could fart beside any celebrity? >> i would fart beside obama and blame it on michelle just to see what his reaction would be. >> you would fart beside michelle and barack obama? >> how about that channing, would you date a 21-year-old person with autism? >> ugh, yes if i got permission from my wife. >> all right, i've got my lawyers working on your divorce papers as we speak! >> stephen: a bold move. but i can't blame her, i've seen "magic mike." here's the thing-- carly was supposed to interview me at "night of too many stars," but it was a live show, and things didn't go exactly as we planned, and it didn't happen. so i said, "why don't you come to the ed sullivan theater and we can do the interview right here." so what you are about to see is the conversation we had. all of the questions were written by her, and all the answers are mine, except for a few she wrote for me from my apple watch. you'll see what i mean when you actually see the thing. so please enjoy
>> stephen: good to be here. >> stephen: okay. i was. oh, really? ugh, depends on what you consider sexy. you know, some people like dad bods, and i've got even better than that. i've got a grandpa bod. so that's, like, twice as sexy as a dad bod. and, you know, if the lighting's right. >> stephen: oh, yeah.
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late show." join me next week when i'll be joined by bon jovi, ricky gervais, and sharon stone. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: