Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  January 27, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EST

11:35 pm
>> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, anthony anderson, from "xxx - return of xander cage," ruby rose, "unnecessary censorship election edition," and music from travis scott. and now, the coast is clear -- here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. hello, everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the program. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. well, here we are. we did it. we made america great again. just as the prophecy foretold.
11:36 pm
depending upon where you stand politically, today was either a great day for the usa or the eighth chapter of the book of revelation. you get to decide. it's all happening whether you like it or not. we have a new president of the united states, number 45, donald john jacob jinglehymer schmidt. after more than a year of fighting with family and friends on facebook, today marks the beginning of at least four more years of fighting with family and friends on facebook. this morning in washington, d.c. it was the inaugurated show. donald trump today moved into the smallest house he's ever lived in, the white house. everyone was there to celebrate. president carter, president bush, president obama, even jackie ivanco from "america's got talent" found time in her busy schedule. bill and hillary clinton were there too. boy did they look like they were having fun. >> the president ushers them into the limo for that last ride, as we also see what a picture this is.
11:37 pm
there is former president bill clinton. former secretary of state hillary clinton. coming in. the clintons putting up a good front. but boy, you can see it on her face, that disappointment. >> that's what sadness looks like, right? she looks pained. >> jimmy: no no. she looks like she swallowed a palmful of zoloft. every time they showed hillary clinton, the news anchors go, what must be going through her mind right now? i'll tell you what was going through her mind, she was focused on keeping bill as far away from melania as possible. nothing but trouble once they step in that white house. so the trumps started the morning with the obamas, which must have been -- the whole thing was -- it was kind of like a wedding where the bride's family and the groom's family don't like each other but they try to make the best of it for the kids. trump didn't look happy this morning either. the ceremonies were delayed a few minutes because he tried to escape out the bathroom window. literally tried to jump out the lincoln bathroom. there's a lincoln bedroom, it's also a lincoln bathroom.
11:38 pm
that's where he went. this is how he looked moments before the swearing-in. as he headed down the capitol steps. >> this is his moment right now. >> yeah, i can't imagine what he's thinking. but it is a solitary job. while he is walking in a group, he's all alone. >> jimmy: i think he just said "help," right? that is the face of a man who would rather be drinking a trumptini by the pool at mar-a-lago. but it was too late. john roberts, chief justice of the supreme court, did the honors of swearing our celebrity president in. they swore him in on two bibles. they wanted a backup just in case the first one burst into flames. >> please raise your right hand and repeat after me. i, donald john trump, do solemnly swear -- >> i, donald john trump, do solemnly swear --
11:39 pm
>> jimmy: his hands, they really are small, i thought that was a joke. here's more from the swearing-in. >> preserve, protect, and defend -- >> the constitution of the united states. >> the constitution of the united states. >> so help me god. >> so help me god. >> congratulations, mr. president. ♪ [ "star wars" darth vader music playing ] ♪ >> jimmy: what's wrong? he's going to build a big, beautiful death star. so then trump gave a speech, a short speech. he spoke to the crowd for 60 minutes. his tie was actually longer than his speech. but it was an interesting speech. i thought he showed a lot of restraint. he didn't plug any of his hotels or golf courses so that's progress. but to me the best part of the speech was watching the
11:40 pm
reactions from president obama and president bush. >> we must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making our products, stealing our companies, and destroying our jobs. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't know what bush was thinking but obama's counting down the hours till margaritas in palm springs. if i were president obama i would have spent the morning booby trapping the white house like macaulay culkin in "home alone." after the ceremony the incoming president and first lady say good-bye to the outgoing president and first lady. and this is where donald trump showed some real intestinal fortitude. i thought he showed a lot of grace. here's obama waving good-bye. he gets into the helicopter. here's president trump. for donald trump to stand so close to a helicopter taking
11:41 pm
off, with that hair. [ laughter ] that shows i think a lot of courage and a lot of confidence in your aqua net. the helicopter exit is an interesting tradition. it's weird that the president goes out the same way the last contestant on "the bachelor" goes out, you know? i also want to mention, with all the craziness around donald trump the last year, it's easy to forget how funny president bush was. president bush, without even speaking today, gave us a reminder. it was raining so someone handed him a poncho. which he first tried to spread over himself. and then tried to cover his head. okay, now this is why -- [ laughter ] this is why they put those warnings on plastic bags to keep away from small children. so that's no good. so he takes it off and just -- he just sort of drapes it over his head. go back to one of those. look at dick cheney behind him. he's got that dirty little smirk on his face. so pleased with himself for
11:42 pm
wearing a cowboy hat. some things never change. there is a new sheriff of dopey town, though. i want to -- his name is ben carson and he will not be outgunned. donald trump, former opponent and current nominee for secretary of housing and urban development, found yet another way to entertain us when he somehow got separated from the pack and wound up wandering the streets alone today. >> just a few minutes ago, buses dropped a lot of the vip officials off in this viewing area, as we wait for the president to get here. then ben carson came kind of walking up out of nowhere along the parade route by himself. everyone was cheering for him. i'm not sure if he missed the bus or what happened. >> jimmy: i think he missed the bus a long time ago and nobody picked him up. wow. all right, it is -- not only is it the end of the week, it's the end of an era, which means it's time to bleep and blur things whether they need it or not which we do every week. tonight we have something special. at the end of a long slog in
11:43 pm
american politics, at the end of an administration, it's time for an all-election themed edition of "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> the truth of the matter is donald became president, nobody knows what the [ bleep ] he would do. he doesn't know what the [ bleep ] he would do. >> did mr. trump go too far in [ bleep ]ing your wife? >> he did. >> i never tasted [ bleep ] until then. i wasn't that good. >> what explains donald trump? >> he's a master [ bleep ]. >> my husband will remain focused on only one thing. this beautiful [ bleep ] that we love so much. >> last week they [ bleep ]ed me from behind. i was extremely careful with my hair. >> i'm [ bleep ]ing hard. i tend to keep [ bleep ]ing as hard as i can. until the last [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ] expresses an opinion. >> one of the qualities i've always admired about ted since the day we met is how incredibly
11:44 pm
un[ bleep ] he is. >> it almost felt like watching mom and dad [ bleep ]ing. it got very uncomfortable. >> did anybody [ bleep ], [ bleep ] last night? >> i wanted to [ bleep ] my [ bleep ]. >> i believe we should move to a ban on [ bleep ]ing. >> we can [ bleep ] so much you may even get tired of [ bleep ]ing. you'll say please, please, it's too much [ bleep ]ing. we can't take it anymore. mr. president, it's too much. and i'll say, no it isn't, we have to keep [ bleep ]ing, we have to [ bleep ] more, [ bleep ] more. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. when we come back we have more from the inauguration plus i have a very important announcement concerning the future of this show so stick around we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
11:45 pm
oh, look! we've got fees ew, really? oh, it's our verizon bill look at them. line access fee, administrative fees, there are even taxes on top of them. decent people shouldn't have to live like this did i get it? t-mobile ends surprise fees and taxes that's right, with t-mobile one taxes and fees are now included 4 lines, 40 bucks each. all unlimited, all in. do you always put cheez-it grooves in your sandwich? of course! they're chips. sandwich: equals the perfect lunch. ooooh...don't forget to add the pickle. it's kind of a big dill. cheez-it grooves. dang right it's a chip. [crunch!] ♪
11:46 pm
if you're gonna make an entrance... [car driving upon the water] ♪ when you have a cold, pain from chest congestion can make this... feel like this. all-in-one cold symptom relief from tylenol®, the #1 doctor recommended pain relief brand.
11:47 pm
tylenol® schick hydro® versus a lube strip. with a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40% less friction. it's designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. sorry, lube strip. schick hydro®. free your skin®. [ slurps ] new girl, huh? yeah, i'm -- i couldn't help but notice you checking out my name your price tool. yeah, this bad boy gives you coverage options based on your budget. -oh -- -oh, not so fast, tadpole. you have to learn to swim first. claire, here's your name your price tool. -oh, thanks, flo. -mm-hmm. jamie, don't forget to clean the fridge when you're done. she seems nice. she seems nice. [ door closes ]
11:48 pm
she's actually pretty nice. oh. yeah.
11:49 pm
>> jimmy: hi, there. welcome back to the show. anthony anderson, ruby rose, music from travis scott on the way. first we have a few things to cover when it comes to the inauguration. hundreds of thousands of americans descended on the mall in washington today. and i think about half of those people were local news reporters. these local news channels, they don't get much in the way of access so they just have to stand out there and talk to whoever walks by. like this guy from fox 5 in washington, d.c. who grabbed hold of a man from the national
11:50 pm
park service. a gentleman who has an interesting name. >> how are you? i don't mean to be rude. i was walking past you to talk to this gentleman, sorry. mike litterist. how are things going this morning so far? >> jimmy: wait a minute. mike litterist? [ laughter ] seriously? it's either a great prank or a terrible name, maybe both, i don't know. this is good. this is a trump supporter who i think wins the award for most creative hat of the day. >> you guys came from little town, pennsylvania, right? just outside of gettysburg. what brought you here? >> drain the swamp, watch president trump get elected, and with my crew. right here! >> i came to watch old donald j., he's going to be the best president since ronald reagan. >> you like his hat, it's back to back world war champs. >> jimmy: should we be rooting for a three-peat? what's going on?
11:51 pm
also this morning this is from our local coverage here on channel 5 ktla. you know, on monday, this coming monday, a special friend of our show, a gentleman named jake bird will be here to file a full a preview of what to expect, jake popped up this morning on live local tv. >> folks here either watched on the big screen tvs they have or it wasn't easy to hear a lot. >> not a bad seat in the house. in 2015 they told us this would never happen, that donald trump wasn't fit to be president, they didn't have the temperament to be the leader of the free world, we were a bunch of uneducated idiots. >> okay, so what happened? do you feel vindicated? >> we have a daddy for president! we almost had a mommy. we have a daddy, daddy's home! daddy's home! >> jimmy: that is jake bird, he will be here on monday with more of, deep y down, sominatherehe in 'sbo tyoo sey? abort e e arids cry on nbeone. birthday parts d mcdonald.e you.lookt and applause ] baconten years later, ap
11:52 pm
out of it. snzo is moto z with motomods.% off on moto z droi more peo fastest grrand yel ranty. get nissan's 0,000 on ♪ back where we started. who trusts a clean handod!e bargain det to. stom discovert a ca the u.s., like me, anytime. this i 100% u.sbased customerreh, cf cough,hroat,e and robitussin cf ever a cough. ng ] [ goat bleat ] muinues th when i housd wi only half of it.playgroudemogr .ulia. the house is only half of it.
11:53 pm
coming backxxx:roen this is a scary-loo "vis sc next wup samuel l. jackso mcmahon americanos, kehlani anbellum. please join us for all of that week. ovelho is curr ar"bhe truth" which ai8:00 here on abc. please welcome anthony anderson.] ♪t stright immy: d you watch noause i of allegiance to thtates ofricafuo pokeur >> jimmy: yolike to take it now? >> jimur hand on you ] are my innts! i didn't we jat. yw much were that's what happen successful ow much pant never k way, you know present trumlfed w>> yes, i have. don't loly. [ laughter ]pants alone are ok at you y. how many times have yo wi >> no, just once. but i've been in his presence a he years. >> jimmy: to the point where like is he someone -- would you consider him a friend, an pho right now. >> jmy: you coul >> yt going to s have h >> he's juesident do you have th number in those pants?
11:54 pm
i didn't want to bring m l call.pplause ] >> we can do that. >> jimmy: all right. >> and leave a message. how about y'all leave him a message on the phone, tell him how you really feel, can you do that? [ cheers and appe ] >> jimmy: they say he answers phones even from unmarked calls. >> let's see. he might have me block >> jimmyons.your first-ever golden globe nomination. >> yes. [ chee thank you. thank you.sted ith you and the awards shows. you have to bring the whole family.>> i do, i dd to my surpmother was working the red rpet. >> jimmy: i nosn't sitting with was atrought my daughter and son >> jimmy: what wdoing? what do you mean, working?nothreally? yes, interviewing people on the >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah.u've had on your show. >> jimmy: how did i miss that? how did that go? >> i think it went well. >> jimmy: did you watch it? >> no. i was inte >> j: you wereokay. apd nen now. ought ted a r. my mother -- my mother talks mother isother got an >> jimmy: oh, real >> my mo but her assistant doesn't knt. golden globes and she left her assistant/wigmaker sitting out in the lobby.her sat in on the dinner for four h her assistant/wigmaker >> jimmy: wow. >> i get a call from my mother
11:55 pm
she said, why?i was coming over to console you. i co the hell, it's she said, that bitch done took my car and went home i was like, mama, who took your car? my assistant! mama, you don't have an assistant. yes i do! no, mama, she does your wigs. she is my assistant! mama, does she know she's your assistant? does she know her assistant duties? i'm going to tell her when i get home! [ laughter ] [ applause ] she has an assistant, a lady that does her wigs, a lady that makes her african garb, even een toafrica, then this drunk bobby. >> jimmy: your mom's friend? >> the best friend. >> jimmy: do you like drunk bby? >> i love her, i gave her the nickname drunk bobby. >> jimmy: why is she called drunk bobby? >> i flew her and my mother to festival, we happened to be on g home. that was a tuesday. bobby was still drunk and hung over from friday. and she was sitting on that little pla look at drunk bobby.
11:56 pm
from that moment on, it's been ten years, her name has been drunk bobby. that's how i introduce her to people. >> jimmy: drunk bobby and your mom are onk-ish." >> they are, drunk bobby's playing herself. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: excellent. >> yeah. an she plays ruby's nemesis. >> i do want to mention, i saw the episode you did last week about trump. that's one of the best episodes -- [ cheers and applause ] half hours of television i've ever seen. >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: it really hit like every -- pressed every button. it really was amazing. >> yeah. >> jimmy: did you know you were doing something special when you started shooting that? >> you never know you're doing anything special. you hope that. kenya barris, who's my partner and the creator of "black-ish," when the election results were -- kenya wasn't going to write any more this season, he has other things he's working on.ed, he felt compelled to write this episode. and i think did a masterful job
11:57 pm
at it. >> jimmy: i think not only did he write from the perspective of a black family, he wrote very well from perspective of all the white people who work in the office with you. >> no he did it definitely. people call it the trump episode. it's actually the election episode. episode is called "lemons." >> jimmy: wow, it all comes together. >> get it? >> jimmy: lermo! [ cheers and applause ] let's take a break.ome back -- >> i'm excited! >> jimmy: anthony anderson, we will call donald trump and see what happens. be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
11:58 pm
(jon) unlike turbotax, h&r block file for free online, even if you itemize deductions. (writer) why do you know that? (jon) why do you not know that? (writer) touché. (vo) h&r block more zero lets you file online for free even if you deductions. (jon vo) get your taxes won. every l/certified pre-owned lexus comes with an unlimited mileage l/certified warranty. for a limited time, get special offers on l/certified models during the winter collection sales event. exclusively at your lexus dealer. you're on your phone 24/7 you probably think you need an unlimited plan. but actually the majority of people pay for data they never use. that's right two out of three people use less than five gig now verizon introduces the one plan that's right for you. switch, and for just $55 get five on america's best network. that's tons of data a cost that's less than an unlimited plan. and ise overages verizon.
11:59 pm
get inon pade l trlsmost.udg ri infectionsnd cancersho have hap ou as have blood, liver, andnsment tell your doctor if you've been to areas rehumirarescribed biologic clearer skin is possible. my swe tetheartse nara. this s ke a m at! scen ♪ is everything okay? just your dad making dinner? honey, time to come in. the things we always imagined our home would have. the ones that help keep us and safe.
12:00 am
where things come from? how they get here? it's a lot of stuff. e things add up. that's why we recycle. [vo:]it's nice to know that pr17 million pounds of recyclable materials y year. ure.
12:01 am
so in the future we will all have a ♪♪ >> jimmy: hi there, we're back with anthony anderson, host of "to tell the truth" sunday there it is. you didn't even code his name. >> no, it's donald trump. >> jimmy: donald trump. is that his cell phone number? >> yes. yes. shall we? >> jimmy: yeah, we shall. let's shall. let's do it. >> oh, i hit text. hold on, my bad. >> jimmy: one back. >> no, he'll probably respond to that quicker. >> jimmy: you think so? >> probably. >> jimmy: that won't be fun for the audience. >> this call has an forward to an automated voice messaging system. >> jimmy: i don't want to give out his -- okay. >> okay, okay. >> the mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages. >> jimmy: oh! >> hey, man, clean out your mail box, we're trying to call! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
12:02 am
>> jimmy: oh, well. who else do you have this here? anybody else good? can i look through? >> you can look through. >> jimmy: can i look at the pictures? >> you can't look at a lot of people in there. george lopez -- >> jimmy: he's going to be here this week. >> i got george lopez's number. there's good numbers in here. >> i got oprah. let's call oprah. >> jimmy: let's call oprah. is it under oprah? >> hold on. [ cheers and applause ] it's under "rto." >> jimmy: this is even better than donald trump. >> aunty o. i like that. does she know she's aunty o? oh, it's ringing. we're going to be in so much trouble. if the screen goes to black, it's because oprah had us destroyed. [ laughter ] >> she's not picking up. >> jimmy: now we're nervous that we called her. i feel like i hang up but want to stay. aunty o!
12:03 am
>> jimmy: we'll leave her a message. >> your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system. oprah' >> we can't do that. can't do that. [ laughter ] >> the whole planet would go black. >> jimmy: just boom. >> at the tone, please record your message. when you finish recording you may hang up or press 1 for more options. >> hey, aunty o, i'm next to jimmy kimmel doing a show live, i was hoping you'd pick up the phone, i was trying to impress him and the audience. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're sorry to bother you. this is anthony's idea, not mine. >> not mine. tell steadman i said hey! >> jimmy: me too. >> aunty o! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: worth a try. you have "to tell the truth" going on you have "black-ish" going oingalle."d nil on interv her with their ls. i feeme.y f theybs n easeyour m[ ] now rck nor u.s t ns a he itu wh with norris.althca.
12:04 am
gh wnk confime (whethis ®ne doctor recommd. ♪ only at& live channels and dvr on your devices, data-free. us was am use,ds o and actually, i wanted to make ou i reonyour buildwas like, su done this. tom cuiuiseinnd tipviesom tweom he goinghaving >> jimmy: halfway's tionti fast. it was not -- there were no tick, tick, l wa? >> >> jimmy: i was terrified of it. >> [ laug terrified. rem d ulout it mean, inanld m>>h, nt ha myha xicobeit t whiapa netogo tcounast y od a. he
12:05 am
whd i fount d s onug oneup.ackeimstelwoularted t ha>>ejs ueew ght tan roomlla inheyere swn inghini'm gato deli - consolook soeisut big slkis, and sed biat aterlikeanund yeah ♪you mary aboutumpsch throw that♪ i g those goosebumps every u throw that to the um ♪ yeah 71 the 281 yhy they on m g lowkey ♪ right b' mariah when i ess a stack on the bible ♪ ♪ never snapchat or took molly she fall through plenty her and all her ginnies ♪ ♪ yea we at the top floor right there off the henny ♪ ♪ yeah oh no i can't -- with y'all yea when i'm with my squad i cannot do no wrong ♪ ♪ yea saucin' in the city don't get misinformed yea they gon' pull up on you brr brr brr ♪some things n't relate yea cause we from a place a place you cannot stay ♪ oh you can't go oh i don't know oh back the -- up off me brr brr brr ♪eah jimmy kimmel i get t t dutside yea gsee ♪ ah yome n yodet
12:06 am
♪ i need the heimlimp tit around ♪ too thosgoosebumve this is "nightline." >> tonight, the march for. flded with activists. buthe goal that once seemed out of reach -- >>o chance with obama in. >> now with support at thelevels. >> life is winning again in america. >> these anti-abortion rightsers see dawn of a thea' tv family. ried to the with 18 children among iparadi i wentyself and asked him what toit. and --
12:07 am
12:08 am
12:09 am
12:10 am
12:11 am
12:12 am
12:13 am
12:14 am
12:15 am
12:16 am
12:17 am
12:18 am
12:19 am
12:20 am
12:21 am
12:22 am
12:23 am
12:24 am
12:25 am
12:26 am
12:27 am
12:28 am
12:29 am
12:30 am
12:31 am
12:32 am
12:33 am
12:34 am
12:35 am
12:36 am
12:37 am
12:38 am
12:39 am
12:40 am
12:41 am
12:42 am
12:43 am
12:44 am
12:45 am
12:46 am
12:47 am
12:48 am
12:49 am
12:50 am
12:51 am
12:52 am
12:53 am
12:54 am
12:55 am
12:56 am
12:57 am
12:58 am


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on