tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 30, 2018 11:35pm-12:38am EST
sleep captioning sponsored by cbs >> and now "the late show"" presents the real state of the union. >> mr. speaker, mr. vice president members of congress, vladimir putin. the state of our union say mess. >> i believe strongly... >> lying and lyin lying and lyi. >> don't forget, i gave a lot of money to a porn star. >> we have begun to drain the swamp of members of my cabinet. ( applause ) watch me drink the water witht. two hands!
aahh! the time has come to recognition that donald trump was never the right solution for our country. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, trump's state of the union. plus, stephen welcomes the hosts of "pod save america," "2 dope queens," phoebe robinson, and julia roberts. and musical guest, chris stapleton. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hello! how are you? good to see you! beautiful, excellent! you can't fool him. jon! my friend!
have a good show. >> audience:efen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thanks, everybody. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: chris, good to see you. hey, everybody! please, have a seat! you're too kind! thank you so much. you can feel the electricity in this room. you can feel it. you can feel it. welcome to "the late show." ladies and gentlement, i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) you can feel that. you can feel that. that's amazing-- that's-- that's-- only a live show is like that, right there. ( cheers and applause ) that's it. because the truth slook at that, we are-- we are live right now, and barely conscious following a 90-minute speech.
there were some bright spots in this speech. there were really some heartwarming moments. some amazing people there were in the gallery. congressman steve scalise, who survived an attack on that softball field. a police officer who saved a baby, a young boy who's putting flags on soldiers' graves, and families who have gone through unspeakable tragedies. honestly, some of the most beautiful, most impressive americans you could imagine. and the president was there, too. ( laughter ) going into this, going into the evening, the bar, the bar for success was pretty low, okay. he just had to stay on script, no matter what. and he did, which was impressive, considering everything democrats did to distract him. there he is. now, go to the other angle, jim. that's not fair. that's not fair.
here's one unusual thing we found out right before the speech-- the first lady travel to the speech in a separate car. i guess melania didn't want anything from the burger king drive-through. i could go for some onion rings. but when the president entered, the cameras caught melania looking radiantly... happy? the night began with one huge surprise-- trump was able to lift a glass with one hand! ( cheers and applause ) as part-- at the beginning of the speech, he listed some of the natural disasters we've endured this year. >> we have endured floods and fires and storms. >> stephen: and stormys! don't forget her ( laughter ) she was one of the most expensive disasters for you, personally. and he reached out to those still recovering. >> to everyone still recovering in texas, florida, louisiana,
puerto rico, and the virgin islands-- everywhere-- we are with you, we love you, and we always will pull through together, always >> stephen: that is going to be a comforting message to people of puerto rico, once they have electricity to turn on their tvs. ( cheers and applause ) still a million people, right? a million people in puerto rico still don't have power. and he followed up on that inn separational tone. >> if there is a mountain, we climb it. if there is a frontier, we cross it. if there is a challenge, we tame it. if there is an opportunity, we seize it. >> stephen: "if there's a burger, we eat it. ( laughte if there is a porn star, we bone it. ( laughter ) if there's an immigrant, we deport it. if there's an investigation, we undermine it." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) "i believe that. i believe that with all
whatever's in here." and he boasted about creating minority jobs. >> african-american unemployment stands at the lowest rate ever recorded. >> stephen: well, there was one time when african american unemployment was at zero, but only half of trump's base wants to go back there. bit-- i said half! -- but-- with stats like that, you have to imagine african american leaders must have been pretty impressed. and i stand corrected. all right, my mistake. the speech was a huge hit with republicans. just look how excited mitch mcconnell was. actually, that's not fair. i believe we do have footage of mcconnell more excited. ( laughing ) >> stephen: so happy! so happy! just dancing a shoe! just dancing with a shoe.
he'll find cinderella eventually. ( laughter ) and trump took time to boast about his new tax plan. >> to lower tax rates for hardworking americans, we nearly doubled the standard deduction for everyone. ( applause ) now the first $24,000 earned by a married couple is completely tax-free. >> stephen: a benefit trump will be enjoying for a few more weeks, at least. once again, once again-- who knows. they'll make it to april 15. once again, he inspired with his soaring words. >> all of us together as one team, one people, and one american family can do anything. >> stephen: yes, "one" american family can do anything: promote
your shoe brand, use your relationship to the president to sell real estate in china-- anything. plus, plus-- ( applause ) yes. give it up for the trumps. give it up. family values. plus, he went to an old american favorite: >> we all share the same home, the same heart, the same destiny, and the same great american flag. >> stephen: really? because down in charlottesville i saw your supporters carrying two other flags. ( laughter ) i'm pretty sure. i saw that. i saw that, didn't i? >> jon: ♪ yeah, i saw it >> stephen: one of them had a spider on it or something. i'm not sure. if but trump gave it up for the american way. >> in america, we know that faith and family, not government and bureaucracy, are the center of the american life. ( applause ) our motto is "in god we trust."
>> stephen: yes, that's the first half. the second half is "oh, god, make this stop." and i pray-- i pray, lord. what did we do? we're sorry. and he touted his fossil fuel energy policy. >> we have ended the war on american energy, and we have ended the war on beautiful, clean coal. >> stephen: "god, it is so beautiful. that coal has a high, tight, saa. i tell you, if i weren't burning it, i might be dating it." but circ seriously, seriously, sir-- war on clean coal? you can't start or end a war on something that doesn't exist. "soon we'll end the wars on sasquatches, unicorns, and
moderate republicans." ( cheers and applause ) "anybody find one? did you find one? no? put down a little trap with, like, a muffin in it." ♪ ♪ the president then renewed-- thank you, jon-- renewed his attack on government workers. >> so tonight, i call on the congress to empower ever the authority to reward good workers and to remove federal employees who undermine the public trust or fail the american people. >> stephen: whoever they are, be they the director or the assistant director of the f.b.i, even a specialprosecutor-- out." >> jon: oh, wow, wow. >> stephen: you know i'm imitating him, right? ( laughter ) we're all-- we're all friends here. i think. for now. and he hit one of his favorite themes on healthcare. >> one of my greatest priorities is to reduce the price of
prescription drugs. >> stephen: oh, good. drugs would have really have helped me get through this speech. and he called-- as we knew he would, as we knew he would. drugs! we love drugs! and he called for more jobs, jobs, jobs. >> we want every american to know the dignity of a hard day's work. >> stephen: "then they can tell me about it when i get home from golf. eye hear great things about work." and he laid out-- he laid out-- he laid out what americans deserved. >> americans love their country, and they deserve a government that shows them the same love and loyalty in return. >> stephen: "and if their government isn't that loyal with their love, they get
$130,000 to keep quiet about it." i'm not sure, does the love-- allegedly, allegedly. and he looked back on his administration's work over the past year. >> for the last year, we have sought to restore the bonds of trust between our citizens and their government. >> stephen: well, better luck next year. ( laughter ) but, in that vein, trump did try to unify. >> so tonight, i am extending an open hand >> stephen: god, women! get out of there! run for your lives! open hand. ( cheers and applause ) and trump lauded his immigration policies as good for everyone. >> struggling communities, especially immigrant communities, will also be helped by immigration policies that focus on the best interests of american workers and american families.
>> stephen: yes, trump understands the problem facing struggling immigrant communities: too many immigrants? i don't... let's move on. ( laughter ) and he outlined just who he doesn't want in america. >> under the current broken system, a single immigrant can bring in virtually unlimited numbers of distant relatives. ( boos ) under our plan, we focus on the immediate family. >> stephen: yeah, boo... families? i'm not sure, but i think trump's immigration plan is hot singles only! and he spoke-- >> jon: oh, wow. >> stephen: he spoke-- some single people here tonight. some hot singles in the house. ( cheers and applause ) waiting for your call. and he spoke of threats around the world. >> around the world, we face rogue regimes, terrorist groups,
and rivals like china and russia that challenge our interests, our economy, and our values. >> stephen: "and we will stop them anyway we can, except implementing the russia sanctions you guys voted for. hi, vlad." ( laughter ) "i killed it. i killed the whole thing, 98-2, i cut it." but he spoke out strongly against terrorist actors. >> terrorists who do things like place bombs in civilian hospitals are evil. >> stephen: where does he find the courage to call people who bomb hospitals evil? truly, today, donald trump became president of the united states. ( applause ) and he got tough with the terrorists. >> when possible, we have no choice but to annihilate them. when necessary, we must be able to detain and question them.
>> stephen: you know, after we annihilate them. ( laughter ) that's our motto: annihilate first, realize we can't ask dead guys questions later. and he spoke to america's colonial past. >> it was that same yearning for freedom that nearly 250 years ago gave birth to a special place called america. it was a small cluster of colonies caughbetween a grea ocean and a vast wilderness >> stephen: "with no people in it. just waiting for real estate developers. okay. i don't know why the arapaho didn't put up condos. beautiful land. could have put up a casino then." of course, trump did not mention the russia investigation. he hopes that goes away. but, i mean, even if the president and his campaign aides members of his family, were convicted of conspiracy
with a hostile foreign power, where would we send them? >> in many cases, for them, it will now be guantanamo bay. >> stephen: oh, good. at least he's got a plan. we have a great show for you n the state of the union with the fellas from "pod save america," and the 2 dope queens. stick around, won't you? live! ♪ ♪
that's beautiful. well, folks, welcome back to our live show. welcome back to our live show. all these times are real. later, i'm going to talk to the 2 dope queens, and we'll have a performance by grammy winner chris stapleton. ( cheers and applause ) but my first guests tonight host the most popular political podcast in the country. from "pod save america," please welcome jon favreau, jon lovett, and tommy vietor! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good to see you again. >> you, too. >> stephen: the last time i saw you-- was trump president the last time we saw you guys? >> yeah. >> yeah. >> stephen: he was. s contact depression. now, you guys, jon jon, you were
speechwriters, wrote for obama and hillary clinton. as a speechwriter, how challenge signature state of the union? is this, like, your super bowl. >> it sucks. >> stephen: what sucks about it? >> because it's so long and you have to get everything in there. like, i think a president should give, some day, a 20-minute speech on one single issue, and just spare us all the words. >> stephen: but it's the state of the union. it's supposed to be, like, an umbrella, cover everything. >> it covers everything, and becomes a lawnry list of every policy in the government. >> yeah, it's very boring. one of the feature s. >> stephen: and it was the third long nest history at 90 minutes. bill clinton beat it twice. ( laughter ) so bill clinton has the one and the two spot, okay, and then-- yes? >> no, it's amazing. it was the third longest, but it was almost half the length of bill clinton's longest speeches. he made-- >> his delivery was slow. >> 55 hundred words. he made it last 90 minutes.
>> stephen: he started to fade toward the end. it almost seemed somebody should pull the string in his back one more time. >> john kelly was trying. >> john kelly gave make pence-- john kelly did give mike pence the official cattle prod. >> stephen: to keep him going. >> people don't know this-- it's one the one night of the year it's not in his possession with trump. he couldn't get a moment. >> stephen: there was an emphasis on bipartisanship going in and a nod to it here or there within the speech, as democrats and democratics operativize don't know what that word means. it makes it sound like hit men. did you feel reached out to in any way? >> i don't know how you attack a speech and divorce it from an entire year of actions. so they spent 15 minutes-- ( cheers and applause ) the big-- the big debate right now is about whether to prevent the deportation of 800,000 kids who are american. and he spent 15 minutes talking
about immigrants in the context of gangs killing people. so i don't know that that's anything but divisive. ( applause ) >> stephen: that did seem like an odd-- that seemed like an odd entree to the question of immigration is to focus just on-- on gangs. >> yeah. >> stephen: well, let's talk about-- well, international affairs. tommy, you worked as obama's national security spokesman. how do you think this speech will be perceived overseas? because there are polls that say that the united states has taken a hit in terms of its stature, and certainly the united states presidency has taken a hit in terms of its stature around the world. do you think this this will do anything to help with that? >> he talked about, in the context of arms control, this magic moment one day when countries might put down their nuclear weapons. back in the day with ronald reagan it was called diploamas, and you negotiated and had arms control agreements. he also talked about north
korea, but if you pick up "the washington post" tomorrow, his desig me, with was withdrawn because he opposed a strike on north korea because he feared it could start a nuclear war. i don't know if you will pick up the paper and feel great about that speech because of the context out there. >> stephen: i haven't read this story. you're saying the ambassador to south korea, proposed, has been pulled, his nomination has been removed by the white house because he thinks that attacking a nuclear power might start a nuclear war. >> it's this policy they call a "punch in the nose strategy" saying if we pop north korea in the nose, they'll chill out and not fight us. >> sounds good, doesn't it. >> it sounds good on paper. >> stephen: that's a great way to calm down a crazy person-- bing! we're done. we're even. we're even. is there anything-- is there anything about the speech that you agreed with? is there anything that, to be fair, you say that is something
to be supportable and nonpartisan for a moment, if you can, you pinkos. >> no, i mean, he talked about criminal justice reform, but he's not going to do anything about that because he's talked about it before and he's had a year and hasn't done anything about it. >> stephen: he might have a reason coming up to make prisons a lot nicer. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) at least for his family. at least for his family. >> he talked about prescription drugs, but he talked about that last year and, you know, he's not going to do anything about that, either. it's hard to divorce the speech from, you know, what he's done for a year. >> sa.>> state of the unions ony matter-- you couldn't tell us your favorite lines from obama's state of the union air, couple of jokes. we don't remember. but they matter because they sit between what came before and what came after. donald trump said he wants to take on the ethiopia addiction but for the of last year, he tried to cut medicaid by $1 million. jeff sessions is the reason we don't have criminal justice reform right now.
he's one of the key voices in the senate that prevented a vote on that before he became attorney general. he talks about unity, after he implied that kneeling during the anthem is unpatriotic, even though it's a protest, people demonstrating their civil rights. and, by the way, he talks about reaching out to democrats. he's never apologized for any of it. you don't get to stand up there and pretend that the last year didn't happen. you don't get to pretend it's only people that don't-- ( cheers and applause ) the only people that-- in that room, the only people in that room that don't care whether or not donald trump apologizes are people like ted cruz, who just supplicated themselves for this guy who called his wife ugly and said his dad killed j.f.k., and he's like, "oh, this guy, he's the master." so give me a break. ( cheers and applause ) >> we're still on the fence. >> stephen: still on the fence. >> we're still on the fence. >> stephen: well, ted cruz is our first inverterate senator. that's diversity right there. there anything about his communication style, as professional communicators,
anything about his communication style, "okay, yeah, he's good at that?" >> not the way he spoke tonight. tonight he did the "i'm reading a hostage statement" kind of delivery. >> stephen: he was blinking out. >> he wasn't allowed to use his twitter voice, you know. so he just looked like he was reading a speech for the first time. >> trump's genius is he drives a news cycle for weeks at a time. but a very smart reporter wrote a piece today saying nothing in the speech will be rememberable because of a trump tweet. >> and very few references to his opponents' menstrual cycle, which is a key part of his brand and identity. >> stephen: i understand, i understand. what about the democratic response? what about joe kennedy iii? is it iii at this point? i didn't get a chance to watch his. >> i think he did really well. i think it's such a tough job to have, the response, the state of the union. no one wants that job. >> stephen: it's an honor. >> it's ruined more politicians
than prostitution. but-- ( laughter ) but he did fine. he did fine. ( laughter ) >> stephen: good. good. please don't say the word "kennedy" and "prostitution" in the same sentence. he's got a career to look out for. >> stephen: listen, guys, thank you very much sew for being here. good to see you. thanks so much. we'll just wave from a distance. their podcast is "pod save america." jon favreau, jon lovett, and tommy vietor, everybody! we'll be right back with two-- not one, but "2 dope queens," jessica stick around. 're noteally sick! you were just up late watching the game. you faker! (fakes a cough)... sorry, that was...uh... my grandma.
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show." we're live. as it says down there. legally we couldn't say that if it wasn't. my next guests are comedians whose podcast "2 dope queens" is moving to hbo. please welcome jessica williams and phoebe robinson. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> got a little -- >> stephen: it's cbs. it's cbs. >> i have a sensual seduction to start it off. >> stephen: oh, sensual seduction? >> yeah, it's late night, baby. >> stephen: well, listen, thank you for being here. it's an honor to have two members of dope royalty. >> thank you so much. thank you, we appreciate that. >> stephen: how is the state of your union after watching the
speech. did you guys have a chance to watch it backstage? >> yeah. >> i was like all the black people just like, "really?" you're going to say that, all right?" >> i love it. black panthers are coming out in two weeks. the black congressional caucus was not here. >> stephen: to be fair, let me ask you-- do you guys both have jobs. >> yes! >> stephen: you should thank donald trump because that's... his thing? he did that? >> he made us. he definitely made us. >> stephen: good for him. good for him. i forget who the last guy was. jess carc as we're both "daily show"" alums. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. ( applause ) we're very-- we're very-- we're very similar that way. >> yeah, that's the one thing we have in common. >> stephen: >> stephen: exactly. we didn't overlap. i think they hired you to replace me. >> it was me, it was me. >> stephen: on nights like this, do you miss doing political comedy? >> absolutely not. i do feel like-- because it's too intense for me.
but i wish they could grow, like, that late-night retirement beards you grow out, like jon's or letterman's that is so long and i'm like, "oh, that's grayer than i thought it would be." >> stephen: you might look nice with a beard. >> you think i would? maybe i'll try it. >> stephen: how are you coping in general over the past year in the age of trump. how the 2 dope queens dealing with the man from queens? >> i have been listening to mary j. blythe nonstop and bathing in cocoa butter. >> stephen: cocoa butter? >> you need lotion, stephen. that's why we're here. people need to know, get some cocoa butter, you're ashy. >> stephen: i'm so a, is he. >> honestly, it's baffling to me, this cocoa butter debate, because i think when we're young we are taught, "you don't you ever walk out of this house without lotion. >> you're going to disrespect harriet tubman. so we have a lot of pressure.
>> stephen: that's how she kept looking so young. she knew she was going to be on the bill. >> don't bring me into this. it's so disrespectful. >> stephen: the reason i don't lotion is because even if i get ashy, you can't tell. i am the color of ash, i am so pale. >> that is true. >> stephen: no, absolutely. i'm the picture of "white guy" in the dictionary. >> you're also the picture of zatty. >> stephen: what's a zatty? >> you don't know what zaty is? >> it's a hot dude. if you're not a dad, but you're also hot, you can be a zaddy. >> but i'm a dad. >> zaddy has more attitude-- "he's a zady." >> stephen: i had no idea. i will say this-- ( cheers and applause ) i-- i-- i really don't understand, but i'm honored. >> good. >> we -- >> stephen: there's something about the way you're saying it that i really like. >> we dressed up for you.
i wore this suit for you. i wanted to look good for you. i want you to question your marriage. that's why i wore it. i want you to question it tonight. >> stephen: you look fantastic. >> he was, like, moving along... >> stephen: not at all-- >> normally, i'll give her coverage and be like, "yeah, girl." but i was like, "shoot, this is..." >> stephen: if i'm a zaddy, what does it take to be a dope queen. you're moving the show to hbo. congratulations on that. >> thank you, thank you. >> we are really excited. we're really excited. >> stephen: that is so nice. what does it take to be a dope queen? >> well, there are a few things. obviously, great hair. >> yes. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> yes. making-- making-- ( laughter ) making white people feel guilty. ( laughter ). >> stephen: uh-huh. >> that's more of a thinker, but it's true. ( laughter ). >> also, stay moisturized, the cocoa butter thing. >> stephen: can you be a dope king or a dope prince. >> you can-- >> i know, but don't let him
slide. so stephen's cool upon. >> yeah. he's got great suits. his glasses are cute. i'm like, "am i in a.p. cal." >> but it's like, does he deserve another accolade? should we let him slide. >> that's true. >> he's a very popular man in late night. >> he doesn't need more, he's rich-- >> he can be a queen. it's fine. >> okay. >> so we talked about it. >> stephen: yeah? >> you can-- yeah. >> you can be a dope queen, if you would like. >> stephen: i can be a dope queen. ( cheers and applause ) >> and we really -- >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you very much. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: is-- is there any ceremony or anything involved in this? >> you come over and hang out with us at, like, one of our apartments in brooklyn. >> watch, "waiting to exhale" with us. >> and "hanging out with the kardashians," "living single." we'll grease your hey, pout some coconut oil, and then we'll pour
rose and talk trash. >> stephen: i wish that was my life show. ( cheers and applause ) now, okay, on the hbo, on the hbo, what's the difference between podcast and hbo? what are you feeling already in the difference? >> money. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we have it now! we have it! >> hair and makeup budget -- >> stephen: they don't pay for themselves. >> they don't. but it was really great working with hbo. we started "2 dope queens," because we started working together and realized when we were doing these live shows that we really enjoyed each other and had a lot of chemistry. so we thought what if we created this podcast where we have different stand-ups and storytellers that we love on the show, and they are all, like, either people of color or someone's a woman or a member of the lgbt community. we feel we are supporting characters and other people's
narratives and wanted to gives not only ourselves to have a narrative but to other people who are super funny as well. >> we're you on the show, we're you. there gu. >> stephen: there gu. you got four themed episodes-- "new york," "hair" "black nerds," and "hot-pene." >> yes, yes! can we not show that. >> stephen: do keep in mind that this is cbs and we are live. >> stephen, i am fully clothed. there was nothing in that movement-- >> stephen: what is hot-pene? >> okay, it's-- take notes. >> we're on cbs. we have to be cool. >> it's just a hot guy-- you see a dude and you're like "i-- i want that sausage. i want that kielbasa." >> and you think it's so sweetly and profoundly-- like, you said it literally the way, that like, meryl streep would say it if he
was reading a line." no, it is. it is a hot dude. and i think we-- we found since we started this podcast, like, three and a half years ago, that that always comes up. and that's how we chose all those category s. >> stephen: is that zaddy? >> it's a zen diagram and they overlap in the minimum. >> stephen: good to know. thank you so much. so lovely to meet you. good to see you again. "2 dope queens" premieres friday on hbo. jessica williams and phoebe robinson, everybody. we've got a performance by grammy winner chris stapleton coming up. but when we come back, a very special guest. stick around. like sunshine and ♪ ♪ like a bottle of jack straight to the head. ♪ ♪ one shot, two shot, copper tone red. ♪ ♪ every time you kiss me it's like sunshine and whiskey. ♪ ♪
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rebuttal. tonight the response was given by conan o'brien. laugh of course, the state of the union and the democratic response were covered by all the networks, but i'm excited to tell you that we at cbs have another exclusive rebuttal to the state of the union-- from star of cbs' "bull": michael weatherly. >> good evening. i'm michael weatherly. millions of you know me as dr. jason bull from the dramatic television series "bull," 9:00 p.m. tuesday, only cbs. many of you witnessed president donald trump's state of the union, and whether or not you agree with what he said, i think all americans can agree on one thing: his prime-time speech preempted my show "bull." how can we call ourselves a great nation when millions of viewers were deprived of their fix of jason bull's charm, and undeniable sexual magnetism. i speak of the nurse working two shifts at the hospital or the steel work who are comes home from a long day at the metal... place. all they want after an honest
day's work is to see me, michael weatherly, as "bull," leading his team on another 60-minute ride through jury selection. this isn't just about bull. i speak on behalf of all tuesday she's "ncis" new orleans and the original, and the this is uss. when we preempt our prime-time television shows, we're preempting what it means to be american. but i believe in a better future. we may not get there today or tomorrow or-- what's after that-- authorize? i don't know. but i have a faith in a brighter tuesday at 9:00, 8:00 central, when again america will turn on the tv again and see one thing. mr. president. >> bull curks imagine? >> yes, we can, mr. president. yes, we can. may god bless the united states. may god bless you, and tune in next week to see what bull has up his sleeve.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> announcer: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from drpo