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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 27, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EST

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>> ooooh ♪ >> stephen: hey fergie, sorry to interrupt, but i'm so glad you're on the show. >> thanks, happy to be here. >> stephen: i'm so glad, yeah. >> what you have got there? >> stephen: what? where? >> sticking out of your pocket. >> stephen: oh, this is. this is just my didgeridoo. i didn't realize i was carrying it. we were so much together. she's like my limb, she's my lady. she's my lady limb. hey, you know what, it just occurred to me, since i've got my didgeridoo, why don't we jam? >> i'm really not clear on what that thing does. >> stephen: first, it makes music. then it changes the world. ( laughter ) all right, let's do it. let's jam.
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you know that song fergilicious? >> i know that. >> stephen: you know that song? okay? >> my repertoire. >> stephen: that's a toe-tapper. you start, i'll jump in. >> ♪ fergilicious definition make them boys go loco ♪ they want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo ♪ you can see me you can't squeeze me ♪ i ain't easy, i ain't sleazy i got reasons why i tease them-- is this what's supposed to be happening? ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. oh, it's just begun to happen baby. >> okay. >> stephen: yeah. >> stephen. >> stephen: yeah. >> i don't think my voice fits with your big stick. >> stephen: oh, okay, yeah, that's cool. have a great-- have a great show. i should-- i should get-- i should go. what was that? hey! that's a great idea! why don't we both didgeridoo. okay, we'll double do it. are you d.t.d.d.? are you down to double didgeridoo? get it, let's do it. >> i guess. >> stephen: okay, great, awesome. >> but i don't have the didgeridoo.
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>> stephen: oh, really? what's that behind your ear? ( laughter ) here you go. five, six, seven, eight. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes matthew broderick, ali wentworth and musical guest fergie. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! hey, mark. how you doing, chris? ( cheers and applause )
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>> jon: hey! >> stephen: what's going on? philosophical. >> jon: philosophical. >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome to "the late show." i am stephen colbert. happy friday! what else is there to say? ( cheers and applause ) you all ready for the weekend? i am. i absolutely am. you guys you heard about this donald trump guy? >> jon: uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. >> stephen: it's crazy. he isn't even president yet, and donald trump is already saving jobs. for instance, he has done wonders for mine. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and yesterday-- ( cheers ) thank you! not worth it, but thank you. yesterday, trump was at the carrier air conditioning plant in indiana after saving 1,000 jobs from being shipped to mexico, sending a clear message
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to mexican workers: if you want good-paying factory jobs, you're going to have to come here and take it from an american! dare you. and everyone-- he said he would do it. he did it. that was pretty impressive. i don't know how he did it. but it happened. and everyone was surprised by this carrier deal. even donald trump was surprised. because, and this is true, he didn't remember that he promised to do it. >> and they had a gentleman, worker, great guy, handsome guy, he was on, and it was like he didn't even know they were leaving. he said something to the effect, "no, we're not leaving because donald trump promised us that we're not leaving." and i never thought i made that promise. and i'm saying to myself, man. and then they played my statement, and i said, "carrier will never leave." but that was a euphenism. >> stephen: now--
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>> jon: oh! oh! >> stephen: i'm not sure what a "euphenism" is. but i'm guessing it's a euphemism for something. point is, trump hadn't planned on doing this but then ended up doing it anyway, sort of like how he got elected president. ( laughter ). >> jon: hey! hey! hey. >> stephen: it shocked him. and he did it-- what? what? you're kidding! "it was a euphenism." and he was able to do this deal thanks to mike pence, who as governor of indiana, was able to offer carrier a tax break. so all trump has to do to save all of america's jobs is have one vice president from every state in the union. ( laughter ) of course, amongst all the good feelings, trump had a warning: >> companies are not going to leave the united states anymore without consequences. >> stephen: yes! carrier faced harsh consequences, like $7 million in
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tax breaks. so watch out, isis. knock off the nonsense or you're going to get pajama-grammed. ( laughter ) and ever since trump got elected, there's been a lot of attention on what's called the alt-right news blog. breitbart dot-- i'm not sure. breitbart.white, it's dot white. breitbart used to be run by trump's chief strategist, steve bannon. critics say the site is a hotbed of racist, sexist and anti- semitic views while supporters say exactly the same thing. ( laughter ) well, after getting a lot of backlash, kellogg's has announced they are pulling their ads from breitbart because it didn't align with the company values. really? the makers of frosted flakes doesn't agree with breitbart? you think they'd love a bright orange cartoon who promises to make the country grrrrrreat! ( cheers and applause )
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>> jon: play it, tommy! play it, tommy! >> stephen: in response to kellogg's pulling ads, breitbart said they were sorry to see a valued advertiser go and would work to try to repair the relationship in the future. just kidding! they actually published this article title, "#dump kellogg's: breakfast brand blacklists breitbart, declares hate for 45,000,000 readers" and went on to say "if you serve kellogg's products to your family, you are serving up bigotry at your breakfast table." bigotry? come on. cereal is not bigotry. other than, obviously, lucky charms. that leprechaun is magically offensive! that trix rabbit's weird, too. keep him away from the kids. here's some happy news.
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someone committed a crime and got away with it. i have to admit, i'm kind of excited about this story. there's a guy here in manhattan who stole a bucket full of gold flakes worth $1.6 million off a truck. i don't know what gold flakes are. i assume it's donald trump's breakfast cereal? ( laughter ) >> jon: ain't no frosted flakes. >> stephen: this guy just walked up to the back of an armored truck and took it. it was the perfect crime, except for the dozens of cameras that filmed him doing it. here he is checking out the back of the truck. then he just grabs an 86-pound bucket of gold! run, bucket man, run! i like to imagine his "ocean's 11"-style heist plan: "all right, first, i assemble a crack team-- muscles, brains, chinese acrobat. here's the plan: i'm going to walk up to the bucket and take it, and then i'm going to have it." ( laughter ) all right, shoot some holes in that! shoot some holes in that! somebody get me some julia
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roberts. the thing is-- that's how you get julia roberts like this. ( snaps fingers ) the thing is, this happened on september 29, and they still haven't caught the bucket-of- gold thief. i'm no detective, but have they checked at the end of a rainbow? ( laughter ) ( applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. matthew broderick is here and when we come back, we have an important message from a furry hat. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ runs on intel? that ride share? you actually rode here on the cloud. did not feel like a cloud... that driverless car? i have seen it all.
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intel's driving...the future! traffic lights, street lamps. business runs on the cloud... and the cloud runs on intel. ♪ i wonder what the other 2% runs on...(car horn) it's your tv, take it with you. with directv and at&t, stream live tv anywhere data-free. join directv today starting at $35 a month. no extra monthly fees. these numbers are off the charts...this? sir! what's the status? there's a meteor hurtling towards earth. how long until impact? less than a minute. what do you want to do, sir? listen carefully... if we all switch to geico we could save 15% or more on car insurance. i like the sound of that. geico. because saving fifteen percent or more on car insurance is always a great answer.
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how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. ♪ at planters, we put fresh roawhich has its drawbacks.an, guys, know anything about this missing inventory? wasn't me! the cheeks don't lie, chet... irresistibly planters.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i feel good i feel good
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♪ i feel good today oh, so good today ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. we're all feeling good today. say hi to jon batiste and the band, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) hey, you know, before the commercial break we were talking about that-- that donald trump guy? >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: more on that guy. i don't know what's going on with that guy. i don't know. one of the reasons i don't know about him is that he doesn't talk to the press. instead, he just tweets directly at them, things like, "if cuba is unwilling to make a better deal for the cuban people, the cuban american people and the u.s. as a whole, i will terminate deal." deal bad! trump smash deal! ( laughter ) trump's going to do all of his foreign policy via social media.
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stop manipulating your currency, china, or he will swipe left. ( laughter ) and the twitter presidency is perfectly fine with the only member of the trump press corps that does get an interview with trump, this guy. >> stephen: yeah, if something bad happens, they'll just tweet it: "motorcade crashed in ditch. losing consciousness. sad." ( laughter ) fine, fine. it will be fine. ( cheers and applause ) here's the thing. i think trump taking to twitter all the time is just a way for him to get around the press. the way a dictator would go out on his balcony to issue decrees to the adoring masses below
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which is upsetting to me because, you know-- democracy. but mainly, because he's clearing ripping off my segment, big furry hat. why issue decrees from my balcony, and then my staff puts those things on twitter. need proof he's ripping me off? he's wearing a permanent furry hat. ( cheers and applause ) well, mister, listen up! listen up! two can play that game that two are already playing. so, mr. trump, let me show you how it's done. this is big furry hat! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: that's good right there. that's good right there. ( laughter ) my people! my people. now that this hat is upon mine head, any and all proclamations i make are now and forever law. let us begin. ( drum beat sounds ) ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, the word "carpool" shall refer only to driving your car into a pool. ( laughter ) sharing a ride to work with other people is now called "job- related morning aroma mingling." ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's been-- it's been 50 years. it's time we bake and eat the pillsbury doughboy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) there shall be an immediate ban on the manufacture of new coffee
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mugs. there are enough coffee mugs currently in existence. ( cheers and applause ) if you want a new coffee mug, go to the thrift store and just take 20. ( laughter ) ( applause ) from now on, if it's a throw pillow, i'm throwing it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the phrase "bowl eligible" shall no longer apply to college football teams, but rather to anything i feel like eating. ( laughter ) ( applause ) henceforth, eggplant must be named something less misleading, such as "bitter purple trash fruit." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) from this moment forth, scientists shall drop everything and invent a drug as satisfying as peeling lint off the dryer
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filter. if you write-- if you write-- if you write-- hard to read something that far away. ( laughter ) if you write a thinkpiece about millennials, you forgo your right to computer help from a millennial. ( cheers and applause ) from now on, universal remotes must be truly universal. i want to turn on a tv on the moon. ( laughter ) ( applause ) from this day forward, eyelashes on a cartoon character do not signify female. men also have eyelashes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) to make weather reports more accurate, the actual sun must wear sunglasses. ( laughter ) for the sake of honesty, instagram shall change its icon from a camera to a person sitting on a toilet looking at a
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phone, catching up on their friends' vacations. ( laughter ) ( applause ) henceforth, instead of having to buy a case for my iphone, apple should just make phones that don't ( bleep ) break. the hat has spoken! we'll be right back with matthew broderick. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ so tasty. hello moto. it's time to re-imagine the smart phone.
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to our broadcast already in progress. i got some exciting news-- i don't know if you guys know this yet, but please join us next tuesday night because sitting in this chair right here is going to be vice president joseph
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biden. ( cheers and applause ) and-- friend of the show, great guy. that's going to be fun. he's always fun to have on. he always has words of wisdom, and we'll get some advice from uncle joe. so be there or be square. now, tonight my first guest-- i'm very excited about, he's one of my favorite people to talk to. a two-time tony award-winning actor known for his beloved roles in "ferris bueller's day off," "election" and "the producers." please welcome back to the show, the great matthew broderick! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> hi. how are you? >> stephen: good. nice to see you. >> nice to see you, too. very nice to see you. >> stephen: i like how casual-- very casual, very underplayed. i described you as "great" when you came out here. and you're like, "eh, whatever." >> i've heard it before, you know.
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>> stephen: really? >> yeah, but also i've discovered about myself the more tense i am, the more calm i appear, which is a peculiar problem of mine. >> stephen: you look very calm right now. >> the calmer i look the more my-- you know, like that. >> stephen: your heart is hammering inside? >> right now i'm about to pass out. >> stephen: i would never know. i would never know. are you an anxious person? generally speaking? >> some-- yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: but you're beloved. everybody loves matthew broderick. don't you love matthew broderick? ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you, everybody. >> stephen: does that soothe you. >> did a sign just say, "act like you love him?" did a sign light up? >> stephen: yes, it's right here. well, listen, i think how a lot of people got to know you was 30 years ago because this is the 30th anniversary of "ferris bueller's day off." >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i imagine-- i imagine, because even my kids have watched it. do people like jump up at you and go, "hey, ferris!" >> yeah, they still do, yeah. >> audience: ferris!
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>> thank you. see, it happens all the time. or i'll be-- they will say, "is this your day off?" and i have to-- "thank you. that's a good one." ( laughter ) and i can't think of what other fun ones i've heard. >> stephen: yeah. >> i can't think of any. >> stephen: yeah. when someone is walking at you, do you like know which of your parts they're going to, like, have known? you know? can you sort of see them coming? >> not-- i don't have that sense. usually, it's-- it's ferris. but every now and then it's, "inspector gadget. i liked inspector gadget." >> stephen: really? >> or something really peculiar, "lady hawk." >> stephen: didn't you have the bowl cut? >> i had the bowl cut. >> stephen: you had the up burns and the bowl cut. >> yeah, it was historically accurate, medieval times. >> stephen: as was "ferris bueller," it was historically accurate, the 1980s. >> yes, it was. >> stephen: yeah. people-- my friends in high
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school used to say to me, "that's you. ferris, that's you." >> really? >> stephen: was that a compliment? >> absolutely, yeah. i think so. >> stephen: a troublemaker, a guy who ditches -- >> did you do that? >> stephen: i did it once. >> and what happened? >> stephen: i was bored. ( laughter ) because i didn't do it with a pretty girl and my troubled friend. >> right, well he says that in the movie. he says the worst thing is if you don't plan because you can't just hang out with your friends so you end up home watching tv all day. >> stephen: that's exactly what i did. did you ever ditch? >> um, no. i would miss a period or two, you know. stroll in-- the high school i went to was on central park. >> stephen: was it like an actor high school? was this like an art high school? >> it was very arty so you could sort of float out every now and then. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "just feel it, baby." >> i felt it, i went to the park. >> stephen: "if your character wants to study today--" did you really go to central park. >> i need it today. >> stephen: was this in the late 70s, early 80s?
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>> this was the 40s, stephen. >> stephen: now, you and your lovely wife, sarah jessica parker. ( cheers and applause ) who i always love seeing. i always love seeing. she-- you guys are big supporters of... hillary clinton. >> right. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: they don't know yet. >> nobody is going to throw anything. >> stephen: don't tell them. no, she did not win, but you know, potato, po-taut-oe. six of one, half dozen, i'm sure it'll be the same-- uh, but donald trump is a native new yorker. you're a native new yorker. have you ever run into him? have you ever spent any time with mr. trump? >> yeah, i am. i have walked by the building plenty. >> stephen: but in all your years, you're a famous new yorker. >> yeah. >> stephen: broadway star. you have to have seen him backstage or something. >> you would think, but i was thinking about that. i don't think i've ever met him. i don't think he's ever come to a show that i was in at all. >> stephen: really? >> i never have been-- no, because usually if somebody like that comes you kind of know it
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or comes back stage. >> stephen: yeah, he's loud you'd know it. >> "you were great." that didn't happen. ( laughter ) i always wanted that. "superb." ( laughter ) "very, very funny." i don't have a donald trump impression. >> stephen: you do. you do have a donald trump. >> it's new. i'm sorry to try it out here. i hadn't worked on it. >> stephen: this is good. >> something i should do at home before coming on the show. >> stephen: not at all. i'm improvising all of this. >> you are? okay. >> stephen: the writers write it down after the show is over. now you've got-- you've got the new movie. you're in a couple of new movies. "manchester by the sea," and "rules don't apply." the new warren beatty movie. what's he like to work with? because he's an icon. he's a giant, a link to an earlier-- a golden age. >> sorry. i need a tissue. it made me laugh. yeah, he is a link to-- it's
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just so formal. >> stephen: he is! there aren't a lot of warren beatty's left. >> no, there aren't. there's only one and his name is warren beatty. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, one imagines he's got it in spades, then. >> yeah, he's a great-- he's a wonderful director and it was amazing to meet him even and then to work with him and act with him. i have loved it. i've loved him since forever and i stayed-- i ended up staying at his house, you know? >> stephen: i did not know. you stayed at his house? >> yes. >> stephen: why did you stay at his house? >> well, partly to save money for the production in my opinion. but i'm from new york and i was in the guest house just for rehearsal or something. he let me stay in the guest house. and they were like, "you know, you can just stay for the whole shoot." because i don't have a place in l.a. >> stephen: how long? >> months. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, i lived in a beautiful house just below warren beatty yeah, he could check on me. >> stephen: so he could see you. "you were out late last night, broderick." >> and one night i actually did. we did a night shoot, and i came home very late, and i had forgot
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the clicker in my car. i had switched cars and i didn't move the-- i couldn't open the gate. so i was terrified. i pushed the bell thinking, you know, some-- somebody would answer, some worker, you know, or something. and i pushed it and annette bening is like, "hello?" "it's matthew. i'm sorry. i can't--" "oh, no, it's no problem at all." >> stephen: you're like their teenaged son. ( laughter ) >> yes, and they have teenagers around the house, too. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> and i felt like, after that i was like, "i'm sorry mrs., you know, sorry mrs. 'b' that i buzzed the door late." and i tried to avoid her in the house and stuff, so embarrassed. >> stephen: we have to take a little break here, but can you stick around? >> i would love to. >> stephen: i have a great opportunity for you. i have several great opportunities for you. >> oh. >> stephen: you're all going to know what they are. so stick around. we'll be right back with mr. matthew broderick. ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. we're here with our friend matty "b," matthew broderick. and, you know if there's one thing everybody knows-- and i know you know-- it's that we at the "late show" always want to help. we try to help people. >> yeah, i do know that. >> stephen: and the last time you were on here we were doing a live show. and you were nice to come on. you didn't have anything to promote at the time. >> i know. >> stephen: as a matter of fact you had no gig lined up at all. >> that's right. >> stephen: you had no job. >> yeah, that's true. >> stephen: so, as an attempt to help, we actually-- we put up a phone number that people could call. for people to offer you jobs. >> that's so kind of you. that's great.
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yeah. did you get some-- anybody? >> stephen: we got hundreds of offers for you. >> that's amazing. >> stephen: and i know you're busy-- do you have anything lined up after these two movies? are you-- >> well, you know, honestly, i don't, stephen. so-- >> okay, well, fantastic. these are actual offers. these were recordings that we got-- it was last january, so i'm not sure if all of these jobs still exist. i got the offers for you last january. >> why didn't you show me them more-- all right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: super bowl came around and we were busy and stuff like that. i apologize. but you're matthew broderick. i'm sure they have these jobs for you. these are actual offers. we have removed the phone numbers from here but we have the phone numbers of these people if you want to get these jobs. okay, here-- let's go to the first one here. this is an actual offer from dave thomas from kentucky. jim? ( beep ) >> hi, yes, my name is david thomas from lowell, kentucky. i'm willing to pay $25 an hour. i've got some gutters that need to be cleaned out. i'm not a big fan of ladders.
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so that would be great if you'd like to come on by. i'd also chip in a free hot meal. >> wow. >> stephen: hot meal? >> hot meal. i'm not used to that. boy, that would be nice. ( laughter ) >> stephen: did warren beatty and annette bening provide hot meals? >> oh, no, no, sandwiches and tang. >> stephen: so, any interest in- - are you good with heights? >> i'm okay-- could one of my servants do the actual gutter cleaning? or would i -- >> well, we can find out. do you want to try another one? >> yeah-- no-- okay. that's something to look at, though. >> stephen: okay, we'll put a maybe. put a question mark. okay, next up, let's go to-- let's go to number two. jim, let's check out number two ( beep ) >> my name is jerry hansen. i would like to offer matthew a job as a chinese tutor. ( laughter ) >> a tutor. a chinese tutor? >> stephen: a chinese tutor. i did not know you spoke chinese. >> i don't. would that be-- do you need to speak chinese to do that? >> stephen: you might want to
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hire a servant who speaks chinese. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, this one is from lang, from mountain home, arkansas. number five, jim. ( beep ) >> hey, this is lang in mountain home, arkansas. and i need someone to come build a shelf for my cats to jump up on our back porch hand railing so they can see when we're coming to bring them food. so i think that would be perfect. bye. >> stephen: do you have any experience with cats? >> i do. i have a cat. so that's good. >> stephen: does your cat have a shelf? >> no, we don't have a shelf for the cat. like a special shelf -- >> a shelf-- >> no books? just for the cat. >> stephen: just for the cat. jump up on it so they can see-- >> yeah, i think i could do that job. >> stephen: you could build a shelf. have you ever built a shelf? >> uh, i have put up shelves. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> yeah, i'm lying. ( laughter ) but-- >> well, that's-- that's good enough to get a job. well, matthew broderick, thank you for being here. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: good luck. ( cheers and applause ) >> thanks a lot.
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>> stephen: do you want to keep that. those are for you. check out "rules don't apply" and "manchester by the sea," both in theaters now, everybody. matthew broderick. we'll be right back with ali wentworth. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ did you make that? i did... n't. hey, come look what lisa made. wow. you grilled that chicken? yup! i did... n't. smartmade frozen meals. real ingredients, grilled and roasted. it's like you made it. and you did... n't.
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he's got the cash. he's got a condo. he's got a car. he's got a career. but that still doesn't mean he get's you. ♪ time to shine. orbit. of being there for my son's winning shot. that was it for me. that's why i'm quitting with nicorette. only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. it starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. every great why needs a great how.
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest is a very funny actor, comedian, raconteur, who
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stars in the new comedy series "nightcap" that takes place behind the scenes of a late- night talk show. what could that be like? >> we're so happy it to have you here. i can't tell you how hard it's been to get you on. okay, so any funny stories about the remake of "dirty dancing?" >> well, actually-- >> no, we're not talking about "dirty dancing." >> okay, we noticed on instagram you always wear a lot of jewelry. is there a deborah messing jewelry line? >> no, we're not doing that. >> are you dating anyone? >> no. >> well, i am, i-- >> i know that you love him, but let's save that for "people" magazine, not "nightcap with jimmy." >> okay. >> stephen: please welcome ali wentworth! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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>> it's russian circus music. >> stephen: nice to see you. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: not everybody does a little acrobat. >> it's in my blood. i'm carney people. no. >> stephen: are you really? >> no. >> stephen: i always wanted to be a carney. >> really? >> stephen: get that carney strong, kind of stringy, but super strong. >> yeah, i would like-- i just like to travel with my family, my dad who is my uncle who is also my son. you know. >> stephen: happy thanksgiving. >> and to you, sir. >> stephen: and happy holidays. >> and happy holidays. >> stephen: are you a big holiday person? >> i am a big holiday person but i have two adolescent girls, so- >> stephen: well, holidays are for kids, really. >> well, they're for kids but it's a lot of time with the kids. i'm-- i'm-- i like school. i like school. >> stephen: well, there's structure. >> there's structure, you put them on the school bus. you have a bottle of wine. yes. >> stephen: you don't put the bottle of wine on the school bus. you have the bottle of wine as you push-- >> no, god knows what they're putting in their thermoses but i have my own stash. but i have--
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>> how old are these girls? >> well, they're 14 and 12 and the hormones are racing. and even though i look 21 i'm perimenopausal. so i'm crazy as a loon. ( laughter ) so my poor husband george stephanopoulos. has to live with a seething cauldron of hormones at all times. so i've suggested a one-bedroom apartment on the upper west side, and he can come for sunday supper, and i say keep your distance, buddy. save your life. ( laughter ) >> stephen: the show they're doing on pop tv is called "nightcap." >> it is behind the scenes of a late-night talk show. >> stephen: that's what i was going to say. >> but you never meet the host. so whatever goes on out here is not as interesting as what's going on out there. >> stephen: nothing happens back there. >> uh-- >> we're all one big happy family. >> i believe the sound man just got me pregnant trying to mic me, first of all,. ( cheers and applause ) so there's--
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>> yeah, sure. they're very happy for you. we're very happy for you. mazel tov, baby. mazel tov. >> wooo! there's a world of broken toys that works for you. you just don't know it. >> stephen: well, show business. it's show business. >> well, when you come out-- >> you don't do this because you're happy. >> no, you do it because you're damaged. >> stephen: i gained a little weight in my teens and now i'm broken. that was it. >> i was also a fat teenager. >> stephen: i didn't say i was a fat teenager! ( laughter ) i didn't say i was a fat teenager. >> i pictured you morbidly obese. i'm sorry. >> stephen: all right, yeah. >> well, i was a fat teenager so i learned that, you know, to be funny instead of being any way near attractive. so if i wanted the quarterback, i wasn't the kim kardashian -- >> you wanted the quarterback? >> well, i wanted-- oh, please! no! just to go to prom or play chess with. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and now the sound guy gets you pregnant. >> and now the sound guy get me-
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- but that's on you, my friend. >> stephen: i understand. >> that's union stuff. >> stephen: i'll see you in court. i'll see you in court. >> anyway, i love to play with this role. the rock star and the publicist having sex and they're going, "you're on in five! you're on in five!" that kind of stuff-- >> stephen: doesn't happen here. >> it's happening right now. fergie! >> stephen: she's very nice. do not-- >> i love myself some fergie. >> stephen: i'm a fergilicious. >> i won't. fergie's my sister. we're b.f.f.s-- i just met her, but-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's show business. >> i'm just saying there's a behind the scenes of a late- night show is a great place to mine comedy. now it's your turn. ( laughter ) you're the host. >> stephen: i-- i-- will not tell tales on my own show. >> you won't? >> stephen: everyone here is completely stable and we all just hug and kiss at the end of the day. >> yes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you and george, obviously, i watch this "george with the week stephanopoulos."
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um, do you and george approach-- he's real news and you're a comedian. how do you-- how is your world view different? how do you make someone who is very serious like him and very silly like you-- >> now, i understand this is much like you and your wife, right? she's very serious and smart and has integrity and is moral. ( laughter ) and-- >> stephen: yes, no, no, you're absolutely-- you're absolutely right. >> i'm describing my husband. >> stephen: that's the case. >> and then there's us. >> stephen: right. >> the class clown. >> stephen: right. >> the damaged soul. >> stephen: exactly. the pigeon with the broken wing flopping around on the sidewalk. >> yes! i'm in a shoe box. you might be on the sidewalk. i think it makes for an interesting relationship. i think if i were married to carrot top, we might be a little annoying at a dinner party. >> stephen: i don't know. the guy's jacked. >> i can tell you-- well, he's got a suitcase full of props and that's fun. ( laughter ) but george-- there's a-- it's a yin and yang thing. >> stephen: who is the yin and who is the yang.
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>> well, it's like lucy and desi. >> stephen: i don't know, i'm in my 40s. >> you're at least a decade older than me. what! pregnant with the sound guy! young, young, young! anyway, but the thing you don't know about george is-- >> what don't i know about george? >> he's so dumb. >> stephen: really? >> stupid. >> stephen: really. >> when i met him, he didn't even know where the middle east was. so he's-- >> stephen: he's mostly just a pretty face. >> he's one of the sexiest men in america "people" magazine. he's all fluff. there's nothing to it. i am the puppet master behind him. >> stephen: wow, wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: and so you think he might take that one-bedroom apartment you've offered on the upper east side? >> i think he's packing now. no, he has an ear piece during "this week" and i say, "ask pence..." otherwise he's just watching-- >> "ask pence how he liked 'hamilton'." ask him. ( cheers and applause ) ali wentworth--
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>> i'm leaving. >> stephen: no, you don't have to leave but we're turning off the camera. "nightcap" airs wednesday nights on pop tv. ali wentworth, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by fergie. her sister. her b.f.f. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ pain from a headache whecan make this...d, feel like this. all-in-one cold symptom relief from tylenol®, the #1 doctor recommended pain relief brand. tylenol® when you have a cold, pain from chest congestion can make this... feel like this. all-in-one cold symptom relief from tylenol®, the #1 doctor recommended pain relief brand.
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♪ ♪ so tasty.
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>> stephen: performing her new single, "life goes on," please welcome eight-time grammy award winner fergie! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ mmmm da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪ every day when i wake up tryna read my fortune ♪ on the bottom of my coffee cup but it seems like i never finish ♪ it's always half full or is it half empty ♪ maybe it's my own superstition or a kind of self protection ♪ if it all looks bad why would i wanna look ahead ♪ oh, oh, oh, still sittin' here just watching the sun ♪ go down, down, down
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♪ life goes on with or without you ♪ it's up to you what you're gonna do ♪ you could go or you could stay ♪ who cares anyway life goes on ♪ with or without you damn it, baby ♪ what you're gonna do you could go ♪ or you could stay but who cares anyway ♪ every conversation gets me high on motivation ♪ gets me craving of your own familiar situation ♪ reach the unreachable achieve the unbelievable ♪ in the midst of all the madness ♪ remember life's beautiful still i'm feeling restless ♪ thinking i should rest less work more, play hard ♪ ready for the encore is this the kinda life ♪ i really wanna live for in my heart i know less is more ♪ more, more, more, more ♪ life goes on
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with or without you ♪ it's up to you what you're gonna do ♪ you could go or you could stay ♪ who cares anyway life goes on ♪ with or without you damn it, baby ♪ what you're gonna do you could go ♪ or you could stay but who cares anyway ♪ ♪ ♪ it's time to take this out of my hands ♪ is it all gonna be worth it in the end ♪ 'cause it's safe here in my comfort zone ♪ never stray too far from home but then again ♪ this way i'll never know maybe i should go ♪ go crazy, go insane go for everything ♪ get the money dollar bills in your wallet ♪ say ka-ching sign the dealy, make a mili ♪ sound famili? the urgency is sounding ♪ the drilly for the ma-milli and then they really ♪ talk in braille actin' chilly ♪ they got me feelin' like an achilles ♪ silly, silly i mean, really?
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♪ really, really? really, really though? ♪ really, really, really though? feel the vibration ♪ of the higher ground love always leads ♪ to the highest sound many conversations, ♪ people makin' speculations as to my procrastination ♪ due to my revelations and then they get fugazi ♪ you call yourself a rider you need to speed your loyalty ♪ up like bugatti baby, don't underestimate ♪ my underdog mentality we 'bout to race ahead ambition ♪ on ferrari with or without you ♪ it's up to you what you're gonna do ♪ you could go or you could stay ♪ who cares anyway life goes on ♪ with or without you damn it, baby ♪ what you're gonna do you could go ♪ or you could stay but who cares anyway ♪ ♪ ♪ you could go or you could stay
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♪ mmm, mmm you could go ♪ you could stay da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> colbert! >> stephen: fergie, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! have a great weekend! good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ that old piece of gum you're gonna want that sunday ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the serengeti forest, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden!

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